In a Cup of firsts ...Team Glazer won or halved the last 5 matches on Monday, all ending on 18, to complete a miraculous finish to a rainy weekend.  With the Cup tied 3-3 going into the final round, Eight of the twelve matches on Monday ended on #17 or 18 with Team Glazer prevailing in 7 of the 12 final single matches to clinch their 4th consecutive Cup victory.  Key moments included:

• Team Googel rookie Jeff Azia blowing a 2 hole lead to Team Glazer rookie Chris Birks (they halved)
• Glazer Captain Randy Curtis coming back from 1 down with 2 to go to win 1-up (vs Kallin)
• Tony Vergnetti (Googel) missing a 4 foot putt on 18 vs Fink (Glazer) that would have halved the match
• Will Moore (Googel) missing a 4 foot putt on 18 that would have won the match vs yours truly (Glazer).  We halved.
• LoveDog (Googel) losing the 18th and the match to Veeters (Glazer), one-up.
• The first time in GC history that the winner of the Greeny-Googel match was not on the winning Googel Cup team (OK, I am not 100% sure on this one, LD can you confirm?)
  

The REAL highlights were:

• a 12 person squiggums game
• Curtis finally making a real impact off the golf course
• Steak without Schuster
• Two rookies winning the BBBP -- that's what happens when Veeters regular partner (who goes nameless) isn't there to carry him
• A light chug
• A chug and two throw backs on the same point
• A game starting before noon
• Googel chugging 10 times for the weekend (not a typo, ask Kallin)
  
• Mike Franceschelli in the Mike Franceschelli room (even the car wrecks make the highlight reel)
• A new scotch wingman for Jimmy Ho
• A lost club in the stream on 13 (thrown from about 70 yards out, it was a helluva toss)
• A Rosen we can finally embrace
• A fixed ending to our boat race
• Gluten free beer
  
• a new iPod speaker system
• A major electricity problem overcome by our cracker jack lighting crew
• 40+ hours of radar watching
• Three guys almost getting us banned from the Point Sebgao golf course (you know who you are)
• An almost hole in one on 17
• A mere 8 cans of beer remaining after the smoke cleared (and the rain ended)
  

I am writing to introduce my 2011 “entourage” to the Googel Cup faithful.  My rookies—my bitches, Keith and Chris.  Neither is Jewish, but both have had Vasectomies.   

First, my brother-in-law, Keith McMahon—and yes—Googel Cup goes international for the first time.   He is a genuine Celtic green Scotsman—for you Jews---that’s where they invented the game of golf.   He hits the ball a mile and drinks scotch like it is going out of style.   He is used to playing golf while it rains sideways so golf in Maine in October will be like a sunny day in Scottsdale. Arizona.  He is mild mannered diplomat working for the British Embassy here in DC.  It took a career diplomat to marry my wife’s sister—that’s a family joke.  While he is not Jewish—like me—he is married to one.  He reminds me of Dr. Fink, minus the medical degree and circumcised penis—relax—he is from Europe after all.  None of you will understand a word he says—I will need to interpret.   He has never heard of beer pong or your goofy fraternity songs.  And believe it or not, he has actually tee-d it up with former Googel Cuppers James Frank Febeo, Lee Gold and Matt Woody Woods.  He will fall asleep anywhere—really—a park bench at midnight in a strange town or a strip club in the middle of a lap dance—true stories.  So he may sleep with Rosen in the bathtub or share the toilet cover pillow with Rosenblum. 

Next, my boy Chris Birks.  He has broken more clubs than Jimmy Ho.  He is sporting an Abe Lincoln type beard these days.  Like the hockey player in a playoff run—he says he will not shave until after Googel Cup.   Like most of us, he married up and out of his league on many fronts.  Like some of us, he has a well documented history of flipping golf carts.  He knows about beer pong, but not fraternity songs.  He brings a handgun to poker games—and a fishing pole to the golf course.  He has never actually purchased a sleeve of golf balls—opting instead to play with only found balls.  He likes to ride his bike the way Fernandez and Forest Gump like to run.  He has played golf with former Googel Cupper David Shapiro.  He routinely gets spanked by his 70 year old mother-in-law in a round of golf—and no—he is not “letting” her win.  He is a very talented  griller—so there is your first assignment Eric.  

Chris and Keith—this is Googel Cup.  Meet the guys.  Eric is the commissioner and he runs things—he claims to be a hockey player, but frankly, I can’t see it.  Some other things you should know about—first, watch out for lbs—no—these are not pounds.  Lbs are actions, inactions, and /or statements that are designed to reference your own self importance or some other self promotion.  For example, most of things that come out of my mouth are lbs—or me wearing my new Masters Insignia pullover on Saturday will be an lb.  Any sentence starting with “me”, “I” or “I remember when”  will probably be an lb.  Any puking must be done off the balcony of the white house.  Googel has nothing to do with the “Google” search engine.  The egg sandwiches will run though you like Jagermeister on ice.  No matter what anyone tells you—it is not safe to swim the lake on the 16^th green.  If there is a tree in your way, you are free to simply move it.  Do not sit on the rocking swivel chair in the red house.  Watch out for flying ping pong paddles.  Do not under any circumstances eat three hoagies before a beer pong match.  Do not play a card game called Squiggams with a guy name Randy.  Three foot putts will seem like they are three hundred feet—and I learned this the hard way—there are no gimmie putts—the only ones that are good, are the ones  your opponent says are good.  If you are tending the flag, do not forget to pull the flag.  Don’t be alarmed if some guy named Schuster (with a green Masters hat on—see lb discussion at supra) telephones his wife on the 6^th hole asking her if he should hit his 7 or 9 wood.  Also don’t be alarmed if some guy named Greeny tries to hug you after he makes semi good contact with the ball.  We will have two doctors on staff so feel free to let it all hang out.  You have heard my Googel Cup stories over the years—you will now have this once in a lifetime opportunity to create your own.   While Googel Cup is not exactly what it used to be--we used to have co-captains—now we have a charity, it is still a really great hang—so on behalf of the selection committee, welcome.                   

Keith McMahon:  A Scotsman who is Vergnetti’s brother-in law and claims to be pretty good golfer….very suspicious combination.  Rookie.

Randy Curtis:   He’s wearing a boot this weekend to make you feel like shit if you beat him and shittier if you lose.   An original 12.   Owns a New England Whalers jersey.  Team captain.

Garret Lasewicz:  Catholic with four kids you’d think he’s more square than Sponge Bob …but he’s not.   Usually neat when he pukes...except for that one time.  An original 12 and member of the fantastic four, playing in his 12^th Googel Cup.    

Chris Birch:  Rookie.  Buddies with Vergnetti who claims  that he “brings a handgun to poker games” and “has broken more clubs than Jimmy Ho.”  So we got that going for us ….which is nice.

Gregg Cohen:   Once hooked up with the same chick as Googel .  Used to think deaf women were a turn on.  Our hostess with the mostess.  Veeters, Veets or Bully Bull...I prefer the latter. 

Adam Finkelstein:  Was born unshaven and un-tucked ..now a member of a fancy country club outside of Chicago he comes back to GC “two-to-four strokes under his old index.”   He brings drugs, cigarettes and a whole new perspective to medicine.  Team Glazer physician. 

Mike Franceschelli:  Best known for the back eye G-man gave him prior to his wedding, pronunciation of  his last name, that great pong match, sleeping on an air mattress under the poker table for years, his fisherman’s hat, his affection for Curtis, that tweet  …actually he’s known for a lot of things. 

Brian Bellinger:   One day he’s going to get in trouble and make a name for himself …for now he remains the guy on the wrong end of that famous Greg George approach shot on 18 …..and  he is sleeping with my sister.

Chuck Rodman:  Cranky yet nice.  Serious but jocular.  Smart yet sometimes dumb.  Caring yet sometimes annoying.  He’s a real live paradox wrapped up into a nice package for all of us at Googel Cup.

Eric Glazer:  All time leader in pukes.  Once went on a stretch of five years (2003-2007) winning a mere 1 point TOTAL (a record that may not get broken in our lifetime).   Original 12 and member of the fantastic four .  Worried about his poor golf game but even more worried about how he bad he has become at pong. 

Terry Schwab: He sounds like an investment banker and looks like a good golfer but in fact he is a lawyer that shoots over 100.  Rookie.

John Downes:  Loves to drink a lot and fix things.  The Godfather of the Blue Table.  Has yet to fix his golf game.

Jeff Green:  You won’t find a nicer guy and you won’t find a worse golfer (well, that depends on how bad Googel is this year).  Just be wary that things do change “a tad” when he’s drunk …Greeny, please NO KNOCKING OVER BEERS this year!  And use the railing not a trash can with the lid on …thank you. 

Jim Hoenscheid:  Don’t like shirts?  Say something to JimmyHo …or better yet …keep it to yourself.  The GC “pro” by default, he has turned around the games of Greeny and Fernandez in years past.  ..no small feat.  And stay away from trash cans and golf carts with this guy……you may get hurt.

Dave Rosenblum: He’ll look like shit by the time we show up in Maine.  He is slow to shower, slow to eat, slow to play golf.  Spends more money on equipment and lessons every year than most guys spend on their wives in two.  Team captain ….. good luck with that.

Craig Kallin:  An original 12 who has become a fan favorite over the decade +.  Owns the 15^th hole (see video on right side of home page).  Hates the “lip” on the other side of the rail.   Only one to beat G-Man on Sunday and he has done it twice.  Each night and each day, he looks exhausted but he rallies…. … except last year.  Do GC a favor …push him a bit and help the K-man get back on track. 

Jeff Azia:  Not Dave.  Jeff = shorter, heavier, worse golfer.  Back in 1989 he was the only Jewish starting nose tackle in all of greater Hartford (team went 9-0 btw …true).  Today he sells insurance …don’t let him put a pen in your hand when you’re drunk.  Rookie. 

Lawrence Rosen:   Do the math ..he’s a  cousin of Rosen’s from New Jersey …. …it’s a little scary.  Also a  Rookie.

Jay Freeland:  The last time this guy won a singles match the Red Sox had not won a world series since 1918 (ironic?).  Is first or second all-time in “miles flown to GC.” Also, most likely to need help both Saturday and Sunday nights.  Don’t believe me?  We have pictures.

Tony Vergnetti: I have no fucking idea who this guy is …..but he has been showing up for 10 years.

Greg George:  An original 12 and one of the “fantastic four” who have not missed a Googel Cup.  He has a new house and new baby on the way ..in other words he hasn’t been laid in months. 

Will Moore:   Loves a good cigar (a real one).  Claims to have slashed 3 or 4 strokes off his game ….yet he just had a new baby ….and moved into a new house  (Googel Cuppers seem to be doing very well this year).  Won’t brush his teeth all weekend.  Yes, he’s from upstate New York.

Andrew Rosen: Team Googel physician.  Hair all over his torso (you’ll see it).  We ask him to play pong outside only because he does wear on us a bit.   Only his 3^rd Cup but has his name on Veeter’s bath tub and on the far left corner of the porch (we’ll tell you why this weekend).  And if you ask him for help at 2 AM when you think you have alcohol poisoning....he may shoot a video of you.

Gary Chase:  Every year people ask will “GC jump the shark?” In college this guy was nicknamed Fonzie and this is his first Googel Cup.  A big forehead, a big ego and a guy who hasn’t played golf in 10 years ….hold your breath …they’re setting up the ramp now. 

Jeff Googel:  He does the tough things you need to win.  He’s 5’ 10”, actually 5 8” with the bald head …a gritty son of an oral surgeon, from the suburbs of Hartford …$4 million/year true but he earns every nickel of it.  Gooch, he truly defines grace under pressure.  He's also an original 12 and a member of the “fantastic four.”

 

Casco, ME:  In a stunning turn of events reminiscent of the denied eligibility and Bowl scandals that have rocked college athletics, Team Glazer demoted John Downs only one day after naming him captain. 

 “We recognized the error of our ways, and unlike college athletics moved quickly and decisively to adjust our unfortunate mistake,” said Mike Franceschelli, Team Glazer spokesperson.   

 Team Glazer promoted Randy "The Big Unit" Curtis to captain.  Unit had hinted publicly in the past that the he was passed over by less qualified candidates because he was “ginger.”  The comments sparked numerous demonstrations from activist groups like Ginger Kids Across America (GKAA) who have boycotted all things Team Glazer.   Now entering his 11^th season, Curtis will not only be the first bald, red head to lead a Googel Cup team but he will also be the first player in GC history to wear a fashion boot during a round.

 Reached for comment, Downes simply noted..."I am disappointed” and “I'll always be associated with Rothbart" and “don’t ask Curtis if you can borrow his extra socks.”

 Editors note:  According to Urban Dictionary one common definition of Red Head is “blowjob or head in which the giver uses too much teeth (or bites) resulting in blood being drawn from the receiving member.”

Guy 1: Dude you know that chick Paula with the crazy horse teeth?
Guy 2: Ya
Guy 1: She gave me Red Head it was horrible!

 

 

CASCO, ME:  Team Glazer announced that former Catholic Irishman and handyman John Downes will take over as team captain in 2011.  A convert who is coming off major arm and bicep surgery,  John is “barely better than Googel” but “he’s a Jew that can fix things, and that’s a rare combination,” admitted Dr. Andrew Rosen, team physician on the opposing squad. 

Downes was runner-up to John Schuster for “GC Metro Sexual Of The Year” the past three seasons.   This could be the year of opportunity for the new team captain with Schuster on sabbatical, caddying for the president of Otis elevator.  “I am excited at the opportunity,” said an elated Downes, who noted that wearing shorts in October is tacky and mentioned he has a number of “creative ensembles “ to go with the baby blue and green solid shirts for this year’s GC.

CASCO, ME:   In a stunning announcement Team Googel and Team Glazer announced a trade in the final days leading to the Jewish New Year and the Googel Cup.   Team Glazer trades  marathoner and LA native David Rosenblum (a Jew) in exchange for non-marathoner and Natick native Gregg “Bully Bull” Cohen (also, a Jew).   The trade marks the first time two Jews were traded within 3 days of the ‘high holidays” and returns longtime Glazer stalwart Cohen to his original team.  ““You can’t teach speed,” claimed Eric Glazer, Team Glazer sage.  “We have a quicker today than we were yesterday.”

Rosenblum is a gray haired, lanky advertising executive from LA who is best known for his use of the toilet in the red house as a pillow, his famous puke from G-man’s car and his really, really, really slow play.  He brings “about 8 less strokes” to Team Googel but also adds about 15 minutes per round.  The salt and pepper high roller has been a part of Team Glazer’s three year winning streak and ironically boasts two Bully Bull beer pong championships.   “The guy annoys the shit out of opponents and he wins,” observed.  Jeff Googel, the team’s spokesperson   “We want to instill a culture of winning .”

In an equally stunning decision, Team Googel promptly named Rosenblum team captain marking the first time a CA native will be a team captain.  It also marks the first time in Maine history that there has been a Rosen, a Rosen and a Rosenblum on the same team in an event not involving the Jewish Community Center.
The 12th annual Googel Cup is October 1-3, 2011 in Casco, ME.