I am writing to introduce my 2011 “entourage” to the Googel Cup faithful.  My rookies—my bitches, Keith and Chris.  Neither is Jewish, but both have had Vasectomies.   

First, my brother-in-law, Keith McMahon—and yes—Googel Cup goes international for the first time.   He is a genuine Celtic green Scotsman—for you Jews---that’s where they invented the game of golf.   He hits the ball a mile and drinks scotch like it is going out of style.   He is used to playing golf while it rains sideways so golf in Maine in October will be like a sunny day in Scottsdale. Arizona.  He is mild mannered diplomat working for the British Embassy here in DC.  It took a career diplomat to marry my wife’s sister—that’s a family joke.  While he is not Jewish—like me—he is married to one.  He reminds me of Dr. Fink, minus the medical degree and circumcised penis—relax—he is from Europe after all.  None of you will understand a word he says—I will need to interpret.   He has never heard of beer pong or your goofy fraternity songs.  And believe it or not, he has actually tee-d it up with former Googel Cuppers James Frank Febeo, Lee Gold and Matt Woody Woods.  He will fall asleep anywhere—really—a park bench at midnight in a strange town or a strip club in the middle of a lap dance—true stories.  So he may sleep with Rosen in the bathtub or share the toilet cover pillow with Rosenblum. 

Next, my boy Chris Birks.  He has broken more clubs than Jimmy Ho.  He is sporting an Abe Lincoln type beard these days.  Like the hockey player in a playoff run—he says he will not shave until after Googel Cup.   Like most of us, he married up and out of his league on many fronts.  Like some of us, he has a well documented history of flipping golf carts.  He knows about beer pong, but not fraternity songs.  He brings a handgun to poker games—and a fishing pole to the golf course.  He has never actually purchased a sleeve of golf balls—opting instead to play with only found balls.  He likes to ride his bike the way Fernandez and Forest Gump like to run.  He has played golf with former Googel Cupper David Shapiro.  He routinely gets spanked by his 70 year old mother-in-law in a round of golf—and no—he is not “letting” her win.  He is a very talented  griller—so there is your first assignment Eric.  

Chris and Keith—this is Googel Cup.  Meet the guys.  Eric is the commissioner and he runs things—he claims to be a hockey player, but frankly, I can’t see it.  Some other things you should know about—first, watch out for lbs—no—these are not pounds.  Lbs are actions, inactions, and /or statements that are designed to reference your own self importance or some other self promotion.  For example, most of things that come out of my mouth are lbs—or me wearing my new Masters Insignia pullover on Saturday will be an lb.  Any sentence starting with “me”, “I” or “I remember when”  will probably be an lb.  Any puking must be done off the balcony of the white house.  Googel has nothing to do with the “Google” search engine.  The egg sandwiches will run though you like Jagermeister on ice.  No matter what anyone tells you—it is not safe to swim the lake on the 16^th green.  If there is a tree in your way, you are free to simply move it.  Do not sit on the rocking swivel chair in the red house.  Watch out for flying ping pong paddles.  Do not under any circumstances eat three hoagies before a beer pong match.  Do not play a card game called Squiggams with a guy name Randy.  Three foot putts will seem like they are three hundred feet—and I learned this the hard way—there are no gimmie putts—the only ones that are good, are the ones  your opponent says are good.  If you are tending the flag, do not forget to pull the flag.  Don’t be alarmed if some guy named Schuster (with a green Masters hat on—see lb discussion at supra) telephones his wife on the 6^th hole asking her if he should hit his 7 or 9 wood.  Also don’t be alarmed if some guy named Greeny tries to hug you after he makes semi good contact with the ball.  We will have two doctors on staff so feel free to let it all hang out.  You have heard my Googel Cup stories over the years—you will now have this once in a lifetime opportunity to create your own.   While Googel Cup is not exactly what it used to be--we used to have co-captains—now we have a charity, it is still a really great hang—so on behalf of the selection committee, welcome.